The Winter Olympics just concluded. So many things happened, some of them even having to do with sport, that I thought a few longitudinal observations might be in order.
(Full disclosure: the only sports I watched were Alpine and Nordic skiing, speed skating, and curling. Therefore, I received much of my information second-hand. I’m sure a lot of folks enjoy the bobsled event, but four people crammed into an ugly oblong box and sliding down the ice to cross an invisible line within hundredths of a second of their competitors just doesn’t appeal to me. Unless the bobsled is Jamaican.)
Here are some suggestions for improving the Winter Olympics. You may wish to take some of these with a grain of salt:
- Russia and China should be kicked out of the games for 20 years. If after 20 years they’ve gotten their act together, they can then rejoin the party. And I don’t mean the Communist Party.
- The figure skating age limit should be raised to 18. Why are little girls skating out there, anyway? At first I thought the Russian silver medal winner, 17-year-old Alexandra Trusova, was bawling because her teammate, 15-year-old Kamila Valieva, was scolded by her Politburo coach after a disastrous performance. Then I discovered she was upset because “Everyone else has a gold medal, everyone, but not me!”
- If you have to have little girls skating in the Olympics, at least make sure they receive adequate food and water. Anorexia shouldn’t be a prerequisite for competition.
- Flags are really important in the Olympics. Since the U.S. right wing loves flags so much, our conservative athletes should be permitted to add their own flag to the stars and stripes during ceremonies. There’s the Don’t Tread On Me flag, the thin blue line flag (I think that’s what it’s called), and a couple other unmentionables. Let the rest of the world see how regressive America really is!
- Bring back some old-timers for us old-timers. You know, a senior category. Peggy Fleming, Dorothy Hamill, Janet Lynn, Katarina Witt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Kerrigan are all still alive. It would be fun to see them back in action. Roll them onto the ice, give Harding a hammer, and let ’em mix it up. And to spice things up, throw in that corrupt French judge from 2002.
- Keep race and the race card out of the games. After speculation that Russian medal favorite Valieva might be denied a medal due to ingesting trimetazidine (she was actually denied due to stress), U.S. sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson tweeted that the only reason she herself was barred for smoking pot in the summer Olympics was her “skin color.” Longitudes, however, feels it has more to do with Sha’Carri’s stupidity than her skin tone. Getting stoned is okay, Sha’Carri, but when you compete for your country, give the bong a break.
- United States, lighten up on coverage of our sports stars. Media saturation of Mikaela Shiffrin, top U.S. athlete in the winter games, caused her to DNF in three events and finish 9th and 18th in two others. Even the White House press secretary pressured her. You U.S. talking heads did the same thing with male skier Bode Miller. There are other attractive female skiers out there besides Mikaela Shiffrin. I’d like to suggest Lara Gut-Behrami and Dorothea Wierer.
- Since the U.S. usually does poorly in the biathlon (cross-country skiing combined with target shooting), give us Yanks a break and revise the target. A human shape with a bullseye over the heart would be more appropriate to our unique culture of gun violence.
- Add a triathlon event. The athletes have to downhill ski, then speed skate, then perform in an ice dancing competition. The last event would be especially fun to watch.
- Judges, keep a sharper ear on the music selected for figure skating. Although 99 percent of people are probably unaware, part of Alexandra Trusova’s program (see mascara above) included “I Wanna Be Your Dog” by the Stooges, Iggy Pop’s old band. It’s a fantastic rock song, but more appropriate for an opium den than a
women’sgirls’ skating program. What’s next, Spinal Tap’s “Sex Farm”?
I hope my above suggestions prove useful. I’m sure I’ve offended at least one person with them: bobsled fan, Communist, prepubescent girl, senior citizen, social conservative, social justice warrior (SJW), gun nut, flag waver, feminist, French skating judge, or oblong box. But as I see it, if I haven’t offended at least someone, then I’m not doing my job.