I will build a great wall – and nobody builds a wall better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Let’s ignore the poor English (referring to his single great wall as “them”) and the economic and political unreality of constructing such a monstrosity. This is a man who refers to people he dislikes as being “stupid,” “fat,” “ugly,” “lazy” (easier to sling playground insults than conduct a thoughtful debate). He’s neatly packaged all Mexican immigrants as criminals and rapists. He’s also insulted American P.O.W.’s by saying that his heroes “don’t get captured.”
One would think that, at minimum, this last remark would alienate Trump from conservatives. Instead, Trump has skyrocketed in polls. He currently leads his closest Republican presidential competitor (Ben Carson) by a huge 16 percentage points, according to a recent Quinnipiac University poll (http://wwlp.com/2015/08/27/donald-trumps-poll-numbers-on-the-rise/).
What does this say about today’s Republican Party? Toto, are we not in Kansas anymore?
I thought it would be interesting to conduct a fantasy interview with “The Donald.” After all, he is one of the reigning kings of fantasy television (generally referred to, oxymoronically, as “reality TV”). So before his circus act gets old with voters – and it will – here’s my mock interview with one of the most bloviating megalomaniacs ever to enter American politics. And that’s saying a lot.
longitudes: Thank you for allowing me to interview you, Mr. Trump.
Trump: It’s my pleasure. I’m more than happy to speak with small people such as yourself.
Trump: What’s so surprising about that? Look at my competition! An African-American who picked the wrong political party. A coupla inexperienced Hispanics. A coupla Bible-thumpers. And a Bush.
longitudes: Your remarks about some people, especially women and minorities, might be considered insulting.
longitudes: Well, nobody’s denying your First Amendment right to say racist, narrow-minded things. But don’t you think a presidential candidate should behave more professionally?
Trump: “Professionally?” I’ve been at the top of my profession all my life! Do you know my net worth?? Can your small mind even grasp how important I am??
longitudes: You promise, if elected, to build a “great wall” along the America-Mexico border to stop illegal immigration. How do you plan to do this?
Trump: With bricks and mortar, you idiot!
longitudes: How will you get this expensive bill through Congress? After all, this isn’t exactly a pork-barrel legislature.
Trump: I don’t need Congress. Do you know my net worth?? I’ve got the money!
longitudes: Do you plan to also buy the 2016 election?
Trump: I already have. With a little help from the Citizens United decision.
longitudes: You once claimed that Barack Obama shouldn’t be president because he wasn’t born in America.
Trump: That’s right. He produced a “Certificate of Live Birth.” That’s not the same as a “Birth Certificate.” Anyway, I don’t consider Hawaii as being part of America.
longitudes: Are you serious??
Trump: I certainly am! And a lot of so-called “birthers” agree with me. They may not be the best and the brightest. But they will be, once they elect me.
longitudes: What do you say to critics who have called you an egomaniac and a xenophobe?
Trump: Look, I happen to think a healthy ego is a good thing. You could probably use a little more ego, you two-bit pseudo-journalist. What kind of question is this, anyway? What hole did you crawl out of? Look, do you know how important I am??? What the hell’s a xenophobe, anyway??
longitudes: A xenophobe is someone who’s afraid of people of foreign origin.
Trump: Hey, I’m not afraid of anyone!! How did you think I got as far as I did? Do you know my net worth?? I love foreigners! I hire them all the time. They’re great on TV, too. They add color.
longitudes: One last question, Mr. Trump. Longitudes is a big proponent of environmental stewardship. What is your stance on climate change?
Trump: (Hey, I was just joking about that “color” remark). What… climate change?? I love climate change! How can you not love the four seasons?
longitudes: No, you don’t understand, what I’d like to know is…
Trump: Look, all climate change is is a hoax created by China to give them an edge in manufacturing. Dammit, it’s China, China, China!
longitudes: You were once quoted as saying “It doesn’t matter what the media writes, as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” Do you ever wish you hadn’t said that?
(Trump is interrupted by an aide, who whispers in his ear)
Trump: …Look, I’ve gotta go. Jeb Bush’s wealthy donors are dropping like flies. I feel a speech coming on.
longitudes: Well, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule, Mr. Trump.
Trump: Hey, my pleasure. You’re alright, kid. If you ever want a slot on “The Apprentice,” let me know.
longitudes: Well, thanks, but I’ve never even seen your show. I usually watch PBS.
Trump: Typical liberal. Have a nice life, loser.